On a Break

Blog number six and I'm already struggling with the next post.  Not a good sign.  It's not because I've run out of ideas.  I know exactly what I want to write about.  It's more the fact that before I can do so I have to call bullshit on my own damn self and I really hate doing that.  I mean I REALLY hate it.  It's bad enough when someone else tells me I've got it all wrong.  I shouldn't have to do that to myself.

If you're even half a girl you've probably seen Bridget Jones' Diary and you watched Mark Darcy list out all of Bridget's faults and neuroses only to finish by telling her, "I like you very much.  Just as you are."  And you swooned.  Don't even lie.

That's what I've been looking for.  My mission is to do the work it takes to be able to say that to myself.  Not because I made it to a certain weight or fit into a certain pair of jeans.  I want to love me just for me and I want to do it v.v.v.v. much.

At the same time I've trying very hard to get back to a weight I'm more comfortable at.  I work out about 6 days a week.  I track my food and keep account of all my carbs and proteins.  And I use the scale and body fat percentage to measure "progress". (I'm going to pretend those quote marks represent a more philosophical argument that progress could be measured in a multitude of ways but in this instance I was actually just trying to infer sarcasm over the rate in which the scale is moving.)

I'm trying to love me just the way I am while simultaneously trying to change the way I am.  I'm having a real hard time rectifying the matter in my head.  How do I do them both at the same time?  It's like an enigma surrounded in riddle wrapped in bacon.  And so far it's been total bullshit for me.

One could argue that providing healthy activity and nourishment is a form of loving oneself.  However, I'd counter that it can be unhealthy if one has basically got a white-knuckled death grip on the Spin bike because she's trying to force the scale into submission.

 I'm one of those people that loves exercise.  I really do.  So much so that I did it for a job for quite awhile.  However, sometimes I lose focus on what my real motivation for doing it should be.  And it all boils down to that stupid number.  And if there is one thing I know for sure it is this.  Getting that number to say what I want it to say won't fix me and it won't make me love myself.  Been there, done that.  Didn't work.  And you, too, will be waiting a long damn time if you are waiting for the right number, the right job, the right partner before you can finally say, "I'm fixed. I love me now."

As a personal trainer I had many ways to measure progress with clients. Sure, we started with measurements, body fat and the scale.  But there was also watching their endurance increase. There was a measured progression in the complexity of the exercise or the weight being used.  And one of my favorite ways to see progress in the confidence in my clients was to look for when they finally started watching their own form in the mirror.  You have no idea how many people won't look at themselves while working out.  That day I would catch them staring into the mirror and know they were watching the workout and not thinking negatively about their body - that was a good day.  But in the end, if the scale didn't say what they wanted they still weren't happy.

Sadly, I'm no better.

So the scale and I have to take a break.  I need to work on the issues from the other direction.

1. Work on my inner Mark Darcy. (This will probably encompass steps 1-78 but we are simplifying here)
2. Exercise because I like the way it makes me feel and I love feeling strong.
3. Eat healthy foods that make me feel good instead of sluggish
4. Stay off the god damned scale because it's a total mind fuck (especially when one seems to have more gravity that the average person of the same size).

Some of my trainer friends or past clients may think it's a cop out.  After all, how will I know if I've made progress at all if I don't step on that scale and see if all the hard work has made any difference?

Maybe I'll know when I can look at myself in the mirror and like me just as I am, v.v.v.v. much.

Walk of Shame

A good friend of mine confided in me today and told me she had a rough food weekend while attending a couple of get-togethers.  She ate more than she intended and she drank more than she should have. She was feeling pretty defeated after doing the walk of shame to the bathroom scale this morning and seeing how much she was up.

I told her she was disgusting. I said she was ugly and fat and would never get it together.  I told her that she wasted a good month of hard work at the gym and clean eating. I told her she was a failure and, to add insult to injury, I reminded her that the pictures I saw posted of her on Facebook this weekend made me sick.

If you know me at all you know that I am incapable of saying those things to anyone, even someone I don't like. But I sure have no problem talking to myself that way.

I hosted Book Club this past Friday and had fun doing some cooking and spending time with friends.  I laughed so hard I cried and I promise I will never hear or say the word "spelunking" again without cracking a smile.  On Saturday night we went to a Halloween Party and again had a great time.  But I did eat too much this weekend.  To be specific, I ate way too many carbs, which I've been very careful about lately.  I drank more wine than I should have and had too much punch from a witch's cauldron. And, *gasp*, I had desserts for the first time in week and weeks.

If I had to pick one skill that I had, one thing I excelled at more than anyone I know, it would be bloating.  I bloat like it's my job.  The kind of bloat where you know you better not take your shoes off because you probably won't be able to get them back on. Don't even think about challenging me to a bloat-off.  I got this.

Today is no exception.  Do I know logically that it is impossible IMPOSSIBLE to gain that much in a weekend?  Of course.  Does it still mess with my head.  You bet.

If a friend or client had come to me with the same feelings I'd have had a whole list of things to say to them. 1) Get off the God damn scale. 2) Persistence, not perfection. 3) Success is measured by how many times you get up, not how many times you fall down. 4) Even skinny people eat too much at parties.

That number I saw on the scale doesn't take away the fact that I've been eating cleaner than I have in ages.  That I've been more consistent with my workouts than I have been in forever.  That I've been seeing changes in my body and I've been feeling so much better than I did 6 months ago.  But sometimes I let it do those things.

When did it become acceptable, even expected, to be nicer to other people than you are to yourself.  Where did I learn that it was ok to speak to myself the way I do?  No one has ever spoken to me that way and if the did they'd learn real quick how mean my right hook is.  Yet I still do it to myself.

I first joined a gym after losing about 75 lbs. on my own. I hired a trainer on day one and he changed my life.  But one of the sessions with him that I remember most vividly was the day I told him that I had hit the 100 lbs. lost mark and I wanted to thank him for his help. We talked for a bit and then he asked me, "So how does a person get to be 300 lbs anyway?"  Anyone else may have been offended by this but I knew what he meant.  How do you get to 200 and not notice?  Or 250 and not decide to stop?  Granted, he had never had a weight problem so he truly didn't understand the battle.  But it freaked me out that I didn't have a good answer for this.  The only thing I came up with was this, "I didn't love myself enough to stop". 

I've never figured it out I guess.  That's why I'm back here again.  And it's why I allow myself the internal dialogue that I do.  I swear if I never lost another pound but learned how to love myself the way I am, the way my friends and family love me, I would be more successful than I ever have been.  I know I post a lot of obnoxious "Love your Body" and "Accept your Curves" themed pictures and articles on Facebook.  I'm not being preachy here.  I'm trying desperately to change my thinking. Please take the time to share any thoughts, articles or favorite books you have on the subject here in my comments because I know this problem of forgetting how to self-love is epidemic. (Not that kind of self-love.  If you haven't figured that out yet, I can't help you.)

I went for a long walk with a very good friend yesterday and she said, "I wish you could see yourself through my eyes."  I wish I could, too.  I'm working on it.  I'm never going to stop going out with my friends.  They are my air.  They remind me that I am worth loving just as much as I love them.  And they make me laugh.  I'll probably eat too much with them sometimes or drink too much.  But I'm not going to stay home and hide and live inside my own brain. I've proven that's not always a loving place to be.

Besides, what's the point of being skinny if you are sitting at home by yourself.